Rumination
Weekly drives to Boston from central New York give me time to ruminate. Five hours, in fact, of time to think, ponder, consider, etc. This has been such a strange journey and I can’t help but think what it’s all for. Had I the crystal ball to see into the future or the answers to the Universal Way I wouldn’t have to ask but then I likely wouldn’t be here, either!
I’m at a stage where the docs tell me things are good. I am being weaned off the meds and am now down to 1500 mg of cellcept, 200 mg of cyclosporine, and 10 mg of prednisone - the lowest dose I’ve been on in many months. And the eyes are quiet; no sign of a flare. Could it be that I’ve actually received the protein and not the placebo? No one is willing to guess. But the docs all smile and shake my hand. Even though they don’t know who has the protein and who doesn’t their pleasure with the present results should be some indication, I suppose.
I often feel like I’m living a dual life. There is my day-to-day where I focus on my writing and the getting by and then there is this other world where I think in medical terms. I even have a separate group of people I interact with based solely on this condition and it sometimes strikes me as completely odd.
When I was first diagnosed with this condition several introspective friends asked me, “What aren’t you seeing in your life?” as if this condition were a manifestation of such a refusal. At first I would not go there, the notion of my being responsible for creating this too much to even consider. But I have since allowed that thought to come and go, open to any insight it may bring.
The reality is that there are some things I have refused to “see” that I am only beginning to acknowledge now and I wonder if it is, in fact, possible for the body to throw up a medical condition as a means of sending out the message, “Wait! Stop!” It is not unfathomable.
Anyway, I return to Boston tomorrow for another visit and more concentrated time in which to think. I’ll share more progress later.