Gearing up
I think the things that bother me most about BSRC is that it’s rare and not obvious. I mean, to look at me, I appear fine. And generally I feel fine. Take away the prednisone and I feel great, actually. So, I find myself explaining, over and over, to well-meaning inquirers what this condition is and how I’m impacted…it’s an autoimmune condition that degrades the eyes…it can cause blindness…the trigger is unknown…etc., etc. But I think now, after having the diagnosis for more than a year, that I’m in a bit of denial. I’m tired of talking about it and especially tired of seeing the sympathy that typically washes over people’s faces when they hear me discuss it. I don’t want to pretend it doesn’t exist; there is a lot of anxiety that surrounds it and I feel I need to express that. But it’s the pity I see in others that makes me want to remain silent.
Yet I’ve listened to other people share their own health challenges (let’s face it, as we get older ALL of us will have them) and I’ve had those same feelings of sympathy. So what’s the best response? You want to show you care and are concerned about the other but you also don’t want to insult him or her. I do know others who seek attention by sharing their seemingly incessant complaints that monopolize all conversation and I can’t help but feel the sharer is looking for attention and/or pity. And maybe that’s the rub. Maybe I associate others’ pity with that blatant attention-seeking and to even consider that I am that makes me cringe inwardly.
I don’t want any condition, autoimmune or otherwise, to become my life. I want to heal from this, to meet the challenges it presents, to fully learn the lessons this situation is offering me, and then I want to move on to whatever is next.
By the way, here’s a link to the study I’m participating in, for any interested:
http://www.merrimackpharma.com/newsEvents/2007/Uveitis_Initiation_4April07_FINAL.pdf